In my header, I say I want to bring everyone on my journey through college. While what I wear and the music I listen to is a big part of my life, so is the tough, real, personal stuff. It’s really important to me that I don’t come off here as some perfect college freshman who has no problems and is enthusiastic and happy about every aspect of her life. I want to be real and raw because I know a lot of other girls out there are going though something similar.
Today marks five months since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We had dated for almost two years in high school. I was head over heels in love with him. Yes, love, I said it. There’s this common misconception that young people “don’t know what real love is” but they also say “you’ll know it when you know it” and I am 100% positive what I felt was real, undeniable love. He wanted to break up because he thought our relationship was too serious for people our age and since I was headed to college it may be a good time for us to part ways. I was absolutely devastated.
It’s hard to describe how I felt the days following the breakup because I was so crushed they almost seem to be a blur. I didn’t eat, I cried all the time, and felt so incomplete. My mom told me that sometimes breakups can feel like losing a limb all of the sudden. She could not have been more right. It came at a horrible time, too, as I started college about a week after and the pain hadn’t left.
Pain has a way of slipping under the cracks of everything you do. It infiltrates you, casting a giant raincloud over your day-to-day life. I didn’t want to make friends, I wasn’t motivated, all I wanted was him. I almost felt guilty, like my pain wasn’t worthy because someone else probably has it worse. And if you can’t relate to the breakup part of this post, please do not forget this. NEVER undermine your suffering no matter the circumstance. You are allowed to hurt like you’ve never hurt before. Your feelings mean something and cannot be helped. Never allow someone to make you feel like you’re being too dramatic.
Time passed and I still struggled. Our post-breakup relationship no longer was peaceful for a number of reasons. Partly because I was trying so desperately to hold on to something that no longer existed, and partly because he made what I thought were promises he didn’t keep. He also entered a new relationship about a month after we broke up and that hurt almost as much as the initial breakup. I have a best friend who has gone through something similar and she has helped me so much. I suggest seeking advice if you need it from those who know what you are going through because they seem to say the most powerful things.
So I had steps forwards and I had steps backwards but I coped. I eventually made friends and was swamped with schoolwork and found distractions. It became easier to not think about him but still just as difficult when I did. People told me “you need to move on,” or “find a rebound,” but all of that is so much easier said than done. There have been cute boys but my heart has yet to mend and is still blinded by him to see anyone else as a potential partner. This is another thing I hope you get out of this post. There is nothing wrong with not moving on. You take as much time as you need and do not let anyone tell you how to cope. Everyone is different. It may be that you find someone new and better than your ex and you’re pulled out of your rut, but that doesn’t work for everyone. “This is the part where you find yourself.” Learn to love again, yes, but yourself before anyone else. You are smart and kind and beautiful and deserving and sometimes breakups tarnish the way we see ourselves. I admit I haven’t gotten to the point where I am content with myself yet but that’s okay.
It will take more time for me, and I have accepted this. I am angry with him and disappointed in him but I still love and care about him and for a first love I realize that may never go away. I would never take the relationship back for the world. It made me so happy and taught me a lot about myself. At that time in my life, he was exactly what I needed. Yes, the pain is real and still there, but every step forward I take is a tremendous victory.
Be sad. Eat the whole carton of ice cream. Cry harder than you’ve cried before. But pick yourself up piece by piece and surround yourself with people that make you happy and can help to glue your pieces back together. As my current phone background reminds me daily, “chin up, buttercup, you will learn to love again and it will be magnificent.”
Song of The Day: Blue Skies-Noah and the Whale